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A Grand Old Day Out PDF Print E-mail
Written by Evo   
Sunday, 04 February 2007

OTK goes behind the scenes at Goodison Park.

We sent our roving reporter to the home of the People’s Club to see how things went on behind the scenes. Here is RR’s fascinating account of his day there.

I was met by Stadium Manager George Wood. I asked him how he felt about the proposed move to a new stadium and how it would affect his position.
“Well yes, I have to work closely at the moment with the lady in charge of plans to move to the new stadium, Tess Coe, but while we remain here I have to ensure that this stadium meets all requirements and safety standards of an early 20th Century stadium.”
“So there are no plans Mr. Wood to replace any of the existing flooring in the Bullens Road stand?”
“Absolutely not. We feel that to do that would make us just like any other stadium and we like our stadium to feel unique.”
“Oh it most definitely does feel unique Mr. Wood.”

Mr. Wood then took me to meet Future Operations Manager Alan Small.
“Mr. Small, how do you see the future for Everton?”
“I’m working very closely with my assistant John Little and also Tess Coe to make sure that by about 2525 this club will be as big as err…..Liverpool.”
“Well jolly good luck to you in that quest Mr. Small.”

I then moved on to speak to the lady herself, Tess Coe.
“Tess, tell me about plans for the new stadium.”
“Yes, plans are well advanced and we are even thinking of changing the kit to blue and white stripes to fit in with the overall décor of the stadium. We are all really excited about it. My assistant, John Kirkby, works very hard with me, sometimes even after hours, to ensure the transition goes smoothly. To make sure we fill the new stadium though we need a successful team and as we haven’t got an awful lot of money we have to rely heavily on bringing through good young players for our feeder club Manchester United. Mind you it is a good arrangement. We got lots of money from United for a player we brought through our Academy who has gone on to be one of the finest players in Europe, maybe even the world, and they gave us a player who couldn’t get into their team. We are hoping that when the time comes that his brother can’t get in their team he will come to us too. Let me introduce you to our Youth Development Officer, Paul Gadd.”

“Hello Mr. Gadd.”
“Hello. Have you brought your grandchildren with you?”
“Err…no. Why?”
“Nothing, just wondered.”
“Tell me a bit about your job Mr. Gadd.”
”I spend a lot of time in Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam looking at young boys. There are a couple of Cambodian eight year olds called Hoo Fy Won and Hoo Flong Ball (no relation to Alan you understand) both of whom have massive potential. I'm also grooming a couple of 10 year old Chinese boys for stardom who will, because of our already very strong Chinese connection, probably make their way to Goodison. They are currently under the wing of our Chinese scout Ti Nee."   
"That sounds very interesting Mr. Gadd. What are their names?"
"O No and Wy Mee."
"Very good. Do you have any other way of looking at these young boys other than personally going to out to seduce, err I mean vet, them?"
"Yes, I spend many long hours of the day and night looking at young boys on the Internet. Some of these boys really excite me. I have great plans for their futures.”
“I’m sure you do Mr. Gadd.”
“Is that enough?”
“Yes, that’s quite enough Mr. Gadd!”

On next to the Trophy Rooom where I met manager, Nelly Pledge.
“A fascinating job you have Mrs. Pledge. Please tell me all about it.
“There’s not an awful lot to tell really.”
“Well, sort of tell me things like how many staff are employed in this particular part of the stadium.”
“Just me.”
“Only you?”
“Who the bloody ‘ell do you think you are, The Flying bloody Pickets?”
“Only asking Mrs. Pledge.”
“Yes, just me. There is no call for any other staff. I started work here polishing the trophies in 1963. With only eight trophies to clean in 43 years (not counting Charity Shields 'cos we always call them Mickey Mouse when you win them) even I am only employed part-time - very part-time. Mind you, we had loads of extra staff on standby in 1985 when we won the League Championship as we definitely would have swept all before us if it weren’t for your lot getting us banned from Europe but that’s another story isn’t it?”
“Yes, that’s definitely another story Mrs. Pledge. Goodbye!”

Off I trotted to meet Museum curator Ralph Dean.
“Ralph, tell me some of the things you have in the Museum.”
“We’ve got Dixie’s boots he scored his 60th goal with in 1928, the ball Dixie scored his 60th goal with in 1928, the shirt Dixie wore when he scored his 60th goal in 1928 and Dixie’s underpants he wore in 1928.”
“Anything else?”
“Oh yeah, we’ve got Alan Ball’s white boots he wore when we won the League in 1970, Bernie Wright’s shirt from his debut in 1972 when we hailed him as the Messiah and Wayne Rooney’s jockstrap from 2002 when we all hailed him as the Messiah and the greatest Evertonian ever, bar none, and Andy Gray’s shirt (what a messiah he was) from the 1985 European Cup Winners Cup Final. We would have swept all before us in Europe after that you know if your lot hadn’t got us banned!”
“Yeah okay. Can I go now?”
“Certainly.”

Finally, it was on to the Club Shop where I met Manager, Wayne Rooney.
“Wayne, what’s it like to have the same name as an Everton legend?”
“Well not brilliant really but I did get myself a little stall on Kirkby market selling all the mugs, bedspreads, bedside lamps etc with Wayne’s name on we were lumbered with. We gave the shirts to Paul Gadd to take over to the boys he goes to look at in the Far East.”
“Okay, tell us what you sell now then.”
“We’ve got a CD called “Great Everton songs.” The seven tracks are If You Know Your History, We’ll Hang The Kopites, Kopites Are Gobshites, Here We Go, We’re Forever Everton, a theme from a 1960s TV police series called Z Cars and of course Murderers.”
“Marvellous. Anything else?”
“Well the big seller at the moment of course is the DVD of our 3-0 win against you this season. We’re hoping the DVD of the goalless draw at Anfield sells as well. We’ve got old videos too of other marvellous goalless draws against you and Graeme Sharpe’s goal at Anfield in 1984-85 season. Other big sellers are the 1985 European Cup Winners Cup Final and the 1985 European Cup Final.”
“Why are you selling DVDs of one of our European Cup Finals?”
“Well you lost and we always love it when you lose against anybody but it’s also to remind us that we would have swept all before us in Europe if your lot hadn’t got us banned after that match.”

So, that ended my day at the People’s Club. Don’t mind if I go for a lie down now do you?

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